They Called Me Ugly
That one sentence changed the course of my life in the length of time it took to come out of my eighth-grade classmate’s mouth. He will never know how his words affected me and how I viewed myself from that day forward. He and the friend he said it to probably don’t remember the event, but I do—like it was yesterday. I remember what I was wearing and where I was standing when the words ripped through my heart like a launched rocket.
Sometimes we sling words around like Frisbees, not considering where they will land or who they will hurt when they do.
As teenagers my son and his friends called each other names as they played football or other activities. They would laugh, calling out, “You’re an idiot!” or “What’s wrong with you, Ugly?” I cringed as I recalled my own experience with a hurtful comment. He assured me that it was all in jest, but those labels could do unseen damage the boys would never admit.
What about the words we speak to our children or spouse? Do they build up or tear down? Do we inadvertently wound them with a careless comment? Is the tone of our voice inviting or biting?
Remember that a child cannot process an adult’s intent when making a comment. The child can’t reason away a hurtful statement, ignoring the stinging barbs. They take it personally and often internalize it. Believe me, it can reshape their view of life and have devastating results.
When our children or spouse are embroiled in an addiction, caustic words spew effortlessly, burning like battery acid. They are often spoken out of frustration or anger, but they wound and hurt regardless of the reasons they are said. If our loved ones repeatedly hear they are a “no good loser addict” or “a lousy bum” or any number of demeaning names, they eventually tire of trying to rise above the moniker. It’s easier to be what we say they are.
Our addicts are often unable to filter unkind words. Their ability to reason and understand may be compromised. Using positive statements could have a life-changing effect on their self-perceptions. Look for something constructive your addict does and speak words of affirmation; even if it’s nothing more than, “You are thoughtful to call when you’re going to be late getting home.”
I was at a restaurant waiting for a friend, and a woman passed by my table. Our eyes met momentarily, and we smiled at each other. As she walked past again, she stopped and said, “Excuse me. Are you a model? You are beautiful, and I just had to tell you.”
Brief encounters—different outcomes. Choose your words wisely.
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I can so relate to this. The wound of a hateful word can become generational. My mother who is 80 was called ugly by her uncle when she was seven. She still believes that to this day. It affect my childhood as well.My sisters and I were always told by our mother that we were cute or pretty–never beautiful.It always felt like she was holding back. Her constant comments on how we look bugged us to no end. A few years ago when her brother was visiting she recounted that childhood experience.
His response was “He was only joking.” Her reply after all these years. “No he wasn’t.”
That’s when i knew Mom never called us beautiful because she didn’t want us to be disappointed in case we never
were.
Thanks for sharing from your heart. Great post.
1 Cindy Hufflenders payday loans said this (May 19, 2012 at 4:37 pm)
Thank you, Cindy. I know exactly how your mother feels. I felt like I had to always look nice in order to be accepted. I sat on the side of the pool most of the time watching my children and husband have fun because I didn’t want to muss my hair or makeup. It’s silly now that I look back on it. As I said to my friend Rachel, aging has a way of leveling the playing field. One of the boys who made the comment is as bald as an onion! Blessings to you and your mother.
2 sharronlenders payday loans said this (May 19, 2012 at 8:18 pm)
Sharron, you ARE beautiful, inside and out, and always have been. I remember those awful, and awkward, years, especially in 7th through 9th grades where we all struggled to find our way. I don’t know who said those hurtful words to you, but I’d just about bet my last dollar that he suffered (and probably still does) from self-esteem issues. Thank you for this post. We never are too old to be reminded of this!!
3 Rachel C. said this (May 19, 2012 at 5:22 pm)
Rachel, thank you. My feelings of unloveliness affected my family in many ways, and I’m sorry I let those few words follow me down through the years. But, growing older has a way of leveling the field…if you know what I mean!
4 sharronlenders payday loans said this (May 19, 2012 at 8:14 pm)
I can relate to this. I have what most would consider big hands for a woman. I never thought much of it until in the fourth grade a boy that I had a crush on told me that if your hand was longer than your face, you had cancer. Then he laughed as I tried to secretly measure my hand against my face to see if I had cancer. From that day on, I hid my hands. I was so embarrased.
I thankfully grew as a Christian woman and although I loved praise and worship in church, I was unable to even raise my hands in praise because I was so afraid that people would see my hands and think them ugly. God reminded me that my hands were His creation and they are perfect for my body. I hold my children with these hands and wipe their tears. I wear the ring my husband put on my finger and show the world that I belong to a wonderful man.
No- these hands aren’t too big, they are just right for the woman I am. They love much.
5 Caron M said this (May 20, 2012 at 8:19 am)
You are indeed a beautiful woman.
6 sharronlenders payday loans said this (May 20, 2012 at 3:32 pm)
Thank you for sharing this, Sharron. I can relate and know how important it is to guard our words. What is spoken out carries a certain power as it says in Scripture. There is power of life or death in the tongue. My parents didn’t realize the impact it would have on my life when they repeated what the foolish doctor said about me at birth. He pronounced that I was an ugly baby and that I wouldn’t win any beauty pageants. This never should have been repeated to me in the way it did. My parents didn’t intend for it to wound and scar me, but it did. It wasn’t until I met my husband that I started to believe that I am beautiful. I also was labeled as learning disabled when I was young, but it really was a learning style difference. There was nothing wrong with me, but you can imagine how that affected my life. I thank God for His healing power and love.
7 Melissa said this (May 22, 2012 at 8:10 am)
Thank you, Melissa. Blessings on your husband for helping you believe in your worth and beauty.
8 sharronlenders payday loans said this (May 22, 2012 at 1:35 pm)
Sharron – Your wisdom and gentleness to speak truth and offer help never fail to touch me. Thank you for prayers for our loved ones, too. God is using you in ways you can’t even imagine, but this work will bear much fruit. I will pray for Recovery Church as well.
9 Cheryl Johnston said this (May 22, 2012 at 12:37 pm)
Thank you, sweet friend.
10 sharronlenders payday loans said this (May 22, 2012 at 1:36 pm)
Sharon I have always looked up to you from the first time I met you at church and Bible school I think. As young as I was, I thought you were a Godly woman, because of your past, is how you gain your amazing witness. Thank you for sharing and God Bless you for pressing through and over coming that childhood hurt. You are a true witness.
11 Charlotte said this (August 22, 2012 at 8:22 am)
Thanks, Charlotte. A lot has happened since those days at Ruhama. You’re right, I taught you in VBS. WOW! You are making me feel OLD!!!!! Blessings on you and your family.
12 sharronlenders payday loans said this (August 23, 2012 at 11:41 pm)